In a statement made yesterday, the MBTA announced their plans to replace the entire subway, bus, and Commuter Rail network with teleporters by 2018. This is apparently starting with Government Center.

“Some people are wondering why it’s taking two whole years to renovate the station,” says MBTA General Manager Beverly Scott. “The truth is, this will be the first station on the system with the new teleporters. We will subsequently renovate every station and bus stop on the whole of the network.”

“This was a proposal made way back in the 1890s,” says MBTA Deputy General Manager Jonathan Davis. “They had wanted to build teleporters so that streetcars wouldn’t crowd up Tremont Street, but the technology just didn’t exist yet. They ended up building the subway instead.”

But the MBTA hasn’t forgotten about the original proposal. Since its inception in 1964, it’s had a group of researchers buried deep under Park Street Station, toiling away to try to find a solution. Finally, last year, Fred McFleffington figured it out.

“It’s not really that hard,” said McFleffington, who graduated from numerous Ivy League schools, “It’s just teleportation. Simple.”

The MBTA has gotten funding for this from the U.S. Government itself. President Obama says that this is a “new era in public transportation. And why not start it in Boston, where America’s first subway was?”

Michael Bloomberg, who was mayor of New York at the time, said he “is not amused” at the government’s decision to fund teleportation for Boston rather than New York.

The teleportation promises to “really speed up people’s commutes.” Here are some FAQ’s, soon to be published in a brochure that will be mailed to all MBTA customers:

An “artist’s impression” of the entrances. This is an approximation – there will be many more teleporters at each station.

How does it work?
Fred McFleffington is the only one that knows, so we have no idea.

Is it safe?
Absolutely. 100% of our 0 testers survived the teleportation process.

What lines will this affect?
Every subway, bus, and Commuter Rail stop will be replaced with a teleporter.

How will the subway stations work?
At subway stations, passengers will prepay at fare gates, then go to the teleporter they desire. There will be one teleporter per stop on the line, two for major stops. So the Green Line will have quite a few teleporters at its stops.

What about buses?
Existing bus stops will be converted to roadside teleporters. There will be one teleporter per stop on the bus network at each stop, for maximum convenience. The real reason we eliminated stops along Key Bus Routes is so teleporters don’t just line the road!

And Commuter Rail?
Pretty much the same as buses, one teleporter per station on the whole network.

That’s a lot of teleporters.
Yup. 137 at every Commuter Rail stop, and an incalculable amount at every bus stop.

How much will it cost to use a teleporter?
We want to make rides as cheap as possible for the benefit of our passengers. But it will be expensive to install all these teleporters, so a single ride will cost you $50.

When can I expect these teleporters to enter service?
We expect to get this done by 2018. Regular subway, bus, and Commuter Rail service will run until then.

2018? Really?

Is this an April Fool’s joke or something?
Yes, it is.